Are you good enough?
After seeing Liz's post on the Good Wife's Guide a little while back, I figured I'd post a "Good Husband's Guide" that I found:
* Always make getting and keeping a full-time job with regular raises, benefits, bonuses and the potential for prestigious advancement your number one priority in life. Remember always that you have a wife and children who need your financial support, and that it is your responsibility to provide for them to the best of your ability.
Translation: Make lotsa money fucker, so I can sit home on my ass and watch TV and play on the Internet!
* Always arrive home refreshed and happy - put your bad day or your confrontation with your boss, the traffic, the crowds or the physical exhaustion you might feel aside and try to arrive home as cheery and lighthearted as you possibly can. Your wife has been struggling with the children and the housework all day, she does not need to hear about how bad your day was.
Translation: Don't even come home and bitch to me, my day's always been ten times as worse and if you question me you can go fuck yourself, figuratively AND literally, because you won't be getting any from me.
* Be prepared to help with household chores when you get home - let your wife relax or talk on the phone since she has been dealing with these problems all day. Make supper for her often, and offer to clean up afterwards so that she may rest and feel appreciated.
Translation: Be prepared to deal with a stack of dirty dishes, hyperactive dirty children who haven't listened to me all day, because when you walk in the door my job is done. And by the way, you need to call my mother and explain why the fuck we're not going to her birthday dinner (obviously going to dinner with your asshole boss & his obnoxious wife is way more important than MY MOTHER!!)
* Do not bore your wife with stories of the troubles you faced at work today. Remember that you are lucky to have a job and that many other men would be happy to trade places with you. Remember that it is not masculine to complain or let worries trouble you. Your job is to provide, and whatever you must go through to achieve this is part of your lot in life. A good husband knows that he is lucky to have a wife at all, and that a woman wants a strong, silent man she can depend on.
Translation: I don't want to be married to a fucking whiner. Be a man, suck it up and kiss everyone's ass you have to in order to make sure that new Mercedes stays in the mothafuckin driveway. Otherwise, there are 10 other men who would kill to have me and my double-Ds.
* Never expect your wife to have contributed to the smooth operation of the household. She has had a busy day and cannot be expected to provide meals or clean clothes for you. Never insult her by asking her to do such things while you're out earning money. Be mindful always that your wife may think you are being sexist if you ask her to help make a home for your family as part of your partnership.
Translation: Either get me a maid (preferably a male one resembling Brad Pitt), or do it the fuck yourself. Chasing after those godforsaken kids is job enough and you should be happy that I do it rather than ship 'em off to boarding school.
* Be prepared to account for your whereabouts every minute of the day, including an explanation as to why you were away from the phone when she tried to call or why you were unable to chat with her for twenty minutes when she did get through to you. You must always put her interests first, and be mindful of her natural suspicion about her husband's activities. A good husband knows that men can't be trusted, and that a wife has every reason to believe you will hurt and humiliate her.
Translation: Don't think I don't have your office, car and phones bugged, and I'm GPS-ing your ass too. If I even catch you THINKING about that blonde in accounting I'll eat your nuts for breakfast. I already know every man on this earth things about tits & clits every second of every waking day, but if you so much as smile flirtingly at another woman... well, you won't need your dick anymore anyway, but if you are looking I'd check the blender.
* Do not grumble or gripe about handing over your paycheck to her - she is in control of your finances and knows better than you how to spend or invest your money. Never assume that the money you earn is yours to do with as you will - you have a family to think about now, and their needs must always come before your own.
Translation: Sorry, but that new boat you wanted? 50-inch plasma tv? New set of golf clubs? Few hundreds in the stripper's crotch? Nope, no can do. In fact, you best waltz your ass into your boss' office and ask for a raise, because I've gotten accustomed to designer clothes and massages and tennis lessons, after all it's hard being me!
* Listen avidly to your wife's complaints. She leads a hectic life and needs to feel listened to and appreciated. Never suggest ways in which she might solve whatever problem is vexing her. You need only listen; your suggestions are likely insensitive and unfeeling anyway. And do not counter with complaints of your own. She would love to have the chance to leave the house and work, she does not need to hear about how difficult your job is.
Translation: No matter how long I bitch, it's your job to sit and listen and tell me I'm right. No "yes, dear" bullshit either, I want specific and heartfelt feedback which means you better fucking listen to every fucking word I say. When you're not responding with caring and concern, you shut the fuck up.
* Be prepared to give up your weeknights or weekends to whatever projects or socializing your wife has in mind. If she has determined that cleaning out the garage or painting the upstairs bathroom would be the best use of your time, never complain that you would like to relax or pursue personal interests instead. She has every right to expect that you will make repairs to the house or help her redecorate during your time off. Do not be so selfish as to ask for personal time. You are a family man now, you do not have the luxury of personal time.
Translation: Let's just say I wouldn't suggest ordering NFL Ticket, you won't have time to watch football anymore. Your ass is mine. In fact, I think I may send you to the craft store and then stop by the grocery store on the way back to buy me some tampons.
* Always be prepared to take over in caring for the children when you get home from work. Your wife has been busy all day and deserves some quiet time. Allow her to watch television or chat with her friends on the phone, go shopping or simply relax. They are your children too, and it is unfair of you to expect to come home from a twelve hour day and simply put your feet up.
Translation: Once you set foot in the house, I am done. The kids are yours, and I don't want to hear one fucking complaint about it. It's your fault for knocking me up in the first place.
* Never grumble about having to support children you didn't want to have. If you were irresponsible enough to help her get pregnant, then it is your duty to pay for that child for the next eighteen years. If you decide to have sex, you must know that pregnancy may result and be fully prepared to take responsibility for it. This, of course, does not apply to her. She doesn't have to be responsible for her actions, and can abort a child she conceived any time she wants, whether this breaks your heart or not. Accept this stoically. She has the special privilege of being able to kill her unborn child, carry it to term and give it up for adoption, or have it and raise it all by herself if she wants, but you have the responsibility of simply living with whatever choice she makes and quite often paying for it, too. Remember, you have no right to be a parent and no right not to be a parent, you are just a man. A good husband knows his place.
This one's just too good to translate, it's fucking priceless!!!
* Always make getting and keeping a full-time job with regular raises, benefits, bonuses and the potential for prestigious advancement your number one priority in life. Remember always that you have a wife and children who need your financial support, and that it is your responsibility to provide for them to the best of your ability.
Translation: Make lotsa money fucker, so I can sit home on my ass and watch TV and play on the Internet!
* Always arrive home refreshed and happy - put your bad day or your confrontation with your boss, the traffic, the crowds or the physical exhaustion you might feel aside and try to arrive home as cheery and lighthearted as you possibly can. Your wife has been struggling with the children and the housework all day, she does not need to hear about how bad your day was.
Translation: Don't even come home and bitch to me, my day's always been ten times as worse and if you question me you can go fuck yourself, figuratively AND literally, because you won't be getting any from me.
* Be prepared to help with household chores when you get home - let your wife relax or talk on the phone since she has been dealing with these problems all day. Make supper for her often, and offer to clean up afterwards so that she may rest and feel appreciated.
Translation: Be prepared to deal with a stack of dirty dishes, hyperactive dirty children who haven't listened to me all day, because when you walk in the door my job is done. And by the way, you need to call my mother and explain why the fuck we're not going to her birthday dinner (obviously going to dinner with your asshole boss & his obnoxious wife is way more important than MY MOTHER!!)
* Do not bore your wife with stories of the troubles you faced at work today. Remember that you are lucky to have a job and that many other men would be happy to trade places with you. Remember that it is not masculine to complain or let worries trouble you. Your job is to provide, and whatever you must go through to achieve this is part of your lot in life. A good husband knows that he is lucky to have a wife at all, and that a woman wants a strong, silent man she can depend on.
Translation: I don't want to be married to a fucking whiner. Be a man, suck it up and kiss everyone's ass you have to in order to make sure that new Mercedes stays in the mothafuckin driveway. Otherwise, there are 10 other men who would kill to have me and my double-Ds.
* Never expect your wife to have contributed to the smooth operation of the household. She has had a busy day and cannot be expected to provide meals or clean clothes for you. Never insult her by asking her to do such things while you're out earning money. Be mindful always that your wife may think you are being sexist if you ask her to help make a home for your family as part of your partnership.
Translation: Either get me a maid (preferably a male one resembling Brad Pitt), or do it the fuck yourself. Chasing after those godforsaken kids is job enough and you should be happy that I do it rather than ship 'em off to boarding school.
* Be prepared to account for your whereabouts every minute of the day, including an explanation as to why you were away from the phone when she tried to call or why you were unable to chat with her for twenty minutes when she did get through to you. You must always put her interests first, and be mindful of her natural suspicion about her husband's activities. A good husband knows that men can't be trusted, and that a wife has every reason to believe you will hurt and humiliate her.
Translation: Don't think I don't have your office, car and phones bugged, and I'm GPS-ing your ass too. If I even catch you THINKING about that blonde in accounting I'll eat your nuts for breakfast. I already know every man on this earth things about tits & clits every second of every waking day, but if you so much as smile flirtingly at another woman... well, you won't need your dick anymore anyway, but if you are looking I'd check the blender.
* Do not grumble or gripe about handing over your paycheck to her - she is in control of your finances and knows better than you how to spend or invest your money. Never assume that the money you earn is yours to do with as you will - you have a family to think about now, and their needs must always come before your own.
Translation: Sorry, but that new boat you wanted? 50-inch plasma tv? New set of golf clubs? Few hundreds in the stripper's crotch? Nope, no can do. In fact, you best waltz your ass into your boss' office and ask for a raise, because I've gotten accustomed to designer clothes and massages and tennis lessons, after all it's hard being me!
* Listen avidly to your wife's complaints. She leads a hectic life and needs to feel listened to and appreciated. Never suggest ways in which she might solve whatever problem is vexing her. You need only listen; your suggestions are likely insensitive and unfeeling anyway. And do not counter with complaints of your own. She would love to have the chance to leave the house and work, she does not need to hear about how difficult your job is.
Translation: No matter how long I bitch, it's your job to sit and listen and tell me I'm right. No "yes, dear" bullshit either, I want specific and heartfelt feedback which means you better fucking listen to every fucking word I say. When you're not responding with caring and concern, you shut the fuck up.
* Be prepared to give up your weeknights or weekends to whatever projects or socializing your wife has in mind. If she has determined that cleaning out the garage or painting the upstairs bathroom would be the best use of your time, never complain that you would like to relax or pursue personal interests instead. She has every right to expect that you will make repairs to the house or help her redecorate during your time off. Do not be so selfish as to ask for personal time. You are a family man now, you do not have the luxury of personal time.
Translation: Let's just say I wouldn't suggest ordering NFL Ticket, you won't have time to watch football anymore. Your ass is mine. In fact, I think I may send you to the craft store and then stop by the grocery store on the way back to buy me some tampons.
* Always be prepared to take over in caring for the children when you get home from work. Your wife has been busy all day and deserves some quiet time. Allow her to watch television or chat with her friends on the phone, go shopping or simply relax. They are your children too, and it is unfair of you to expect to come home from a twelve hour day and simply put your feet up.
Translation: Once you set foot in the house, I am done. The kids are yours, and I don't want to hear one fucking complaint about it. It's your fault for knocking me up in the first place.
* Never grumble about having to support children you didn't want to have. If you were irresponsible enough to help her get pregnant, then it is your duty to pay for that child for the next eighteen years. If you decide to have sex, you must know that pregnancy may result and be fully prepared to take responsibility for it. This, of course, does not apply to her. She doesn't have to be responsible for her actions, and can abort a child she conceived any time she wants, whether this breaks your heart or not. Accept this stoically. She has the special privilege of being able to kill her unborn child, carry it to term and give it up for adoption, or have it and raise it all by herself if she wants, but you have the responsibility of simply living with whatever choice she makes and quite often paying for it, too. Remember, you have no right to be a parent and no right not to be a parent, you are just a man. A good husband knows his place.
This one's just too good to translate, it's fucking priceless!!!
posted by Miss_Vicki at 12:02 PM
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