Farting Etiquette - who knew?
Luckily, I came across someone who evidently knows, and I'm just helping ya'all out, because farting, of course, is an essential part of everyday life!
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It's becoming increasingly clear that there are a lot of men (and maybe some women, although I've never experienced it) who are unfamiliar with the etiquette of farting. Most men are repeat offenders when it comes to such transgressions. I've seen (heard? smelled?) men farting in grocery stores, in elevators, on the street, etc. It needs to stop.
Here are THE RULES of farting etiquette for those of you who are still unsure:
1. AMONGST STRANGERS or IN PUBLIC PLACES
There is no farting allowed. You will hold your fart in until you locate a public restroom and enter a closed stall. You may not fart in the main lobby of the restroom.
If you should be suddenly seized by a painful urge to fart that forces you to lose control of your will regarding the matter, you must apologize embarrassedly and profusely to all those around you who might have been offended.
If you should be suddenly seized by a painful urge to fart that nearly forces you to do so, but not quite, you may try to get as far away from any people that might be nearby and *try* your best to squeeze out the minimum amount of air that will buy you time until you can make it to a rest room.
2. AMONGST CO-WORKERS or CASUAL ACQUAINTANCES
Again, there is no farting allowed. All the rules of #1 apply, except more strongly because these are people you will usually have to be with again. You don't want them to form an unsavory opinion of you. If you fart in front of one (or more) of them, all but the most open-minded of them will always see you as Fartman in the future... Especially the women.
3. AMONGST FRIENDS
You may fart under certain circumstances.
First of all, you must know your friend's stance on farting in general. For some people there is no farting allowed in their presence at any time. If you are close enough to this friend to know that farting is seen more as a humorous thing than a shameful or repulsive act, then cautious farting is acceptable.
In these circumstances you must make sure you are well away from your friend, at least as far away as the length of your sofa, but farther if possible. You must make sure that the mood is right for farting. Farting can be seen as disrespectful if you do it while there is a serious or sombre air in the room. The mood must be light-hearted and pleasant. You want to make sure that conditions are favorable for farting. After you fart, you might want to gauge whether your friend(s) was offended or amused by your gaseous emission and either respond with an apology or a joke/laugh.
If you don't know your friend well enough to understand their full fart belief system, act accordingly with #1 and #2.
4. AMONGST FAMILY
This all depends on your family. In some families farting is frowned upon as a filthy and shameful habit. Some families can't even bring themselves to utter the word "fart". In other families farting is great fun and a source of many family jokes and much laughter. Only you know for sure which category your family falls into. Please don't try to shock your dear mother by intentionally going against family fart policy.
5. AMONGST LOVERS and OTHER INTIMATE FRIENDS
Usually you may fart while in the presence of your very closest and intimate friends and lovers. These people love you and will not stop loving you over some noxious hinal emissions. Usually. There are strict rules for such farting, however, and these rules can make or break a relationship.
Firstly, you must never fart while having a serious discussion of any kind. I don't care if it's a discussion about bills, weekend plans, your sex life, etc. It's disrespectful to interrupt such conversations with a fart.
You must also never fart during a moment of tenderness. Sweet talk, billing and cooing, foreplay, sexual intercourse, etc. must never be marred by a fart. This is a small rejection of sorts. Even if you don't mean it that way, it can spoil the mood bigtime.
You must never fart during an argument. If you fart during an argument, you will lose the argument. During an argument you are no longer granted "lover" or "intimate friend" status. You must revert back to the rules for #1 and #2 for the duration of the argument. Your full privileges as "intimate friend" will usually return after the argument has ended.
You must never fart with your back facing your friend (unless you are joking and you know that your friend will find this humorous).
You must never fart as you walk past your friend. You could have farted in the other room or you could hold it until you get to your final destination, so why fart right when you pass your friend? It will seem like you are disregarding your friend's comfort.
Never fart in the car. This is a most repulsive situation that will linger far too long and cause much discomfort to any passenger no matter how close you are.
In order to ensure safe farting practices, discuss your feelings on the matter with your loved one. Establish your own rules for farting humor. If you feel you MUST fart due to some unexpected gas pain and you are in a situation that forbids it, please apologize in advance if possible and then again after the deed has been done. Explain that you are not feeling well. Among close friends this should be explaination enough.
FARTING HUMOR
Some people find farting to be the most humorous thing in the world. If you are this type of person, please don't assume everyone shares your sensibilities. Ask questions. Experiment with farting stories before attempting your own sonic boom. Watch facial expressions. Make sure your fart is actually humorous. There's nothing funny about a big wet fart that stinks up a small car for fifteen minutes while your grandmother holds a hanky to her face. Well, there is... But sometimes it's a tragicomedy.
**************
It's becoming increasingly clear that there are a lot of men (and maybe some women, although I've never experienced it) who are unfamiliar with the etiquette of farting. Most men are repeat offenders when it comes to such transgressions. I've seen (heard? smelled?) men farting in grocery stores, in elevators, on the street, etc. It needs to stop.
Here are THE RULES of farting etiquette for those of you who are still unsure:
1. AMONGST STRANGERS or IN PUBLIC PLACES
There is no farting allowed. You will hold your fart in until you locate a public restroom and enter a closed stall. You may not fart in the main lobby of the restroom.
If you should be suddenly seized by a painful urge to fart that forces you to lose control of your will regarding the matter, you must apologize embarrassedly and profusely to all those around you who might have been offended.
If you should be suddenly seized by a painful urge to fart that nearly forces you to do so, but not quite, you may try to get as far away from any people that might be nearby and *try* your best to squeeze out the minimum amount of air that will buy you time until you can make it to a rest room.
2. AMONGST CO-WORKERS or CASUAL ACQUAINTANCES
Again, there is no farting allowed. All the rules of #1 apply, except more strongly because these are people you will usually have to be with again. You don't want them to form an unsavory opinion of you. If you fart in front of one (or more) of them, all but the most open-minded of them will always see you as Fartman in the future... Especially the women.
3. AMONGST FRIENDS
You may fart under certain circumstances.
First of all, you must know your friend's stance on farting in general. For some people there is no farting allowed in their presence at any time. If you are close enough to this friend to know that farting is seen more as a humorous thing than a shameful or repulsive act, then cautious farting is acceptable.
In these circumstances you must make sure you are well away from your friend, at least as far away as the length of your sofa, but farther if possible. You must make sure that the mood is right for farting. Farting can be seen as disrespectful if you do it while there is a serious or sombre air in the room. The mood must be light-hearted and pleasant. You want to make sure that conditions are favorable for farting. After you fart, you might want to gauge whether your friend(s) was offended or amused by your gaseous emission and either respond with an apology or a joke/laugh.
If you don't know your friend well enough to understand their full fart belief system, act accordingly with #1 and #2.
4. AMONGST FAMILY
This all depends on your family. In some families farting is frowned upon as a filthy and shameful habit. Some families can't even bring themselves to utter the word "fart". In other families farting is great fun and a source of many family jokes and much laughter. Only you know for sure which category your family falls into. Please don't try to shock your dear mother by intentionally going against family fart policy.
5. AMONGST LOVERS and OTHER INTIMATE FRIENDS
Usually you may fart while in the presence of your very closest and intimate friends and lovers. These people love you and will not stop loving you over some noxious hinal emissions. Usually. There are strict rules for such farting, however, and these rules can make or break a relationship.
Firstly, you must never fart while having a serious discussion of any kind. I don't care if it's a discussion about bills, weekend plans, your sex life, etc. It's disrespectful to interrupt such conversations with a fart.
You must also never fart during a moment of tenderness. Sweet talk, billing and cooing, foreplay, sexual intercourse, etc. must never be marred by a fart. This is a small rejection of sorts. Even if you don't mean it that way, it can spoil the mood bigtime.
You must never fart during an argument. If you fart during an argument, you will lose the argument. During an argument you are no longer granted "lover" or "intimate friend" status. You must revert back to the rules for #1 and #2 for the duration of the argument. Your full privileges as "intimate friend" will usually return after the argument has ended.
You must never fart with your back facing your friend (unless you are joking and you know that your friend will find this humorous).
You must never fart as you walk past your friend. You could have farted in the other room or you could hold it until you get to your final destination, so why fart right when you pass your friend? It will seem like you are disregarding your friend's comfort.
Never fart in the car. This is a most repulsive situation that will linger far too long and cause much discomfort to any passenger no matter how close you are.
In order to ensure safe farting practices, discuss your feelings on the matter with your loved one. Establish your own rules for farting humor. If you feel you MUST fart due to some unexpected gas pain and you are in a situation that forbids it, please apologize in advance if possible and then again after the deed has been done. Explain that you are not feeling well. Among close friends this should be explaination enough.
FARTING HUMOR
Some people find farting to be the most humorous thing in the world. If you are this type of person, please don't assume everyone shares your sensibilities. Ask questions. Experiment with farting stories before attempting your own sonic boom. Watch facial expressions. Make sure your fart is actually humorous. There's nothing funny about a big wet fart that stinks up a small car for fifteen minutes while your grandmother holds a hanky to her face. Well, there is... But sometimes it's a tragicomedy.
posted by Miss_Vicki at 9:42 PM
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