Holy Shit, I've become an Oregonian!

YOU KNOW YOU'VE GONE NATIVE IN OREGON WHEN:

You trade in your deluxe Camry for a four-wheel-drive Explorer.

Hey right now I'm drivin a freakin minivan and I'm SINGLE!!!! Don't ask. I keep looking over my shoulder for a secret branch of the 'fashion police' to show up and send me away for 'reprogramming.'

You trade any motorized vehicle for a bike and a bus pass.

I've never seen so many goddamn bikers in my life!!! Where I come from, when you say 'biker' you mean a 6 foot 9, 325 lb mass of leather, spikes, and hair in all the wrong places permanently adjoined to a Harley. Now if it were legal to run them over, now THAT would be fun!

You have more running shoes and hiking boots than pumps in your closet.

I haven't worn my 'work pumps' since I moved out here in 2004. I work in a law firm out here, have been in the legal field since 1989. Back east EVERYONE wears suits -- the attorneys, secretaries, hell even the file clerk. Of course for my first day on the job out here I wore my nice blue skirt suit, and was repeatedly mocked and laughed at all day long. Everyone kept asking where the funeral was, because I was way too dressed up for 'just work.' Did I tell you I LOVE THIS FREAKIN PLACE!?

You carry a backpack, not a purse or a briefcase.

Ok, I admit I gave up the briefcase and have now opted for a Nike backpack, which I take everywhere. Still have the purse though. How else could I carry around everything I own 'just in case'?

You bypass any coffee shop that doesn't offer at least five varieties of latte.

It took me a while to get used to this. People out here LOVE THEIR MOTHAFUCKIN coffee. Funny thing is... EVERYONE IS SO LAID BACK. How is this!!??!! You think everyone would be running around like headless chickens, but no! In Philly there was ONE Starbucks that I knew of when I left in September 2001. I was fine without it. I think it's a law out here that you have to drink coffee. For months after I moved here I walked hurriedly by these Starbucks places (there is one on every freaking corner downtown, if not a Starbucks then some other place), knowing if I went in I'd be instantly overwhelmed and would start to scream or cry or something, and out in Oregon if you do that, 50 people will instantly come running toward you wanting to hug you and shit. One day I went in "just to get a muffin" and the lady in front of me ordered a 'vanilla latte.' I thought, 'I like vanilla, maybe I'll try that thingamajig.' So I did. Do they put crack in this stuff? Because once you try it, you can't stop drinking them. It's physically impossible!

You forget what the numbered factors on suntan lotion containers means.

Sun? What's that? Well for 2 months we get a lot of it, but the rest of the year-- forget it. I tan electrically and I'm proud of it. People get SCARY WHITE out here in the winter; I have a special pair of sunglasses just for the season, without it you might go blind if you look directly at their skin.

Nobody corrects you any more when you pronounce Willamette.

Hey at least that name is unique -- one of my bosses last year asked me to book him a trip to Dallas. So, I'm looking up hotels in Texas on the internet as he walked by and evidently there is a Dallas, Oregon ... who knew? Most cities in this state are copies of other state's city names, and it's confusing as freaking hell. There is a Harrisburg, Oregon for freaks sake!

You are incapable of saying the word "Californian" without using a derogatory adjective.

I'm not touching that one with a 10-foot biodegradable pole.

It's 55 degrees and raining, and you get up a half-hour early to wash your shorts and T-shirts so you'll have something to wear that day.

Oh don't forget the socks and sandals! This just sickens me. Who told these people it's ok to do that! Must have been a sick joke.

You have misplaced one umbrella for each month you've been in Oregon.

I actually heard someone say once that they had to go home and organize their umbrellas. I thought it was some code word for dildo or something.

You can give five reasons why native salmon runs are dwindling.

I'm only up to 3, but by God I'm trying. So many things to learn!

You know at least three effective ways to kill slugs without using poison.

I still use the age-old method of hairspraying to death any creepy crawly I see, I don't discriminate.

Your casual clothes and your yardwork clothes are one and the same.

People do NOT get dressed up here. Ever. It's just weird.

Your casual clothes and your business clothes are one and the same.

Now THIS I like! Of course, I moved out here with a wardrobe which is completely useless, but hey it's just another excuse to spend obscene amounts of money shopping.

When somebody mentions studs, you immediately think of tires instead of male animals or lumber.

They can't fathom the thought of putting rock salt on the roads if a rare ice or snow storm hits, but they don't mind cars riding around with studded tires. Go figure!

You realize you've mowed the lawn more often than you've made love in the past month.

Hey I'm single and I live in an apartment, I'm not mowing anyone or anything, unfortunately.

You're able to comparison-shop for roof moss remover.

I could. But I won't. What the fuck IS roof moss remover?

Not only do you no longer need to be shamed by coworkers into joining the company's Hood to Coast team, but your minivan becomes the team bus.

Who the fuck spilled the beans to the general public that I am driving a minivan? Those bastards!

You are capable of debating the merits of at least five Portland microbreweries or three Willamette Valley wineries or any combination thereof.

I usually debate it over a drink, which is my first mistake. But it's fun.

You've learned the Pendleton Round-Up isn't a sale on wool shirts and the Albany Timber Carnival wasn't a celebration of antique wooden Ferris wheels.

People are WAY into rodeos out here. I have never been to one, and don't plan on starting. I'd rather be doing some indoor bronco-bucking.

You no longer need to pick up one of the little floor maps when you enter Powell's Books.

Bullshit, I have to bring a fucking GPS into that place, it's roughly the side of Canada. I guess there's not much else to do during the 10 months of rain a year.

It no longer seems odd to you that Oregon has an official state nut, insect, fish, seashell, rock, gemstone (it's not the same as the rock), tree and dance.

Whoever has this job, is one lucky mothafucka. Among other things.

You don't laugh anymore at mention of the towns of Boring, Riddle, Talent, Tangent, Drain, Sisters, Brothers, Echo, Bonanza, Halfway, Paisley, Rufus or Spray.

It could be worse. I think.

You use the word "sunbreaks" and know what it means.

It's funny as hell. It could be raining all morning, and say around 1pm the sun mysteriously and spontaneously comes out. You know it's not gonna last long, it never does. People literally run from their homes and offices outside -- the streets go from completely deserted to hustle and bustle in about 2 minutes. They're smiling, laughing... it's like a drug, it really is! Unfortunately, everyone is heading for the same place, TO GET COFFEE!